Dear Writers of Naruto Fanfiction, No Just No Part II
by KyuubiGoku
Summary: Continuation of funny, hilarious letter of the Naruto public to the authors on the cliche things that go on in their lives. Go read part I if you ever want to understand. Canon-based world. Enjoy I guess.
1. Signed Naruto Uzumaki

_**KG: Hmmm maybe KyuubiGoku should try this. Everyone let us thank the lovely author, PhoenixDiamond for granting KyuubiGoku the all-clear to proceed with this. Oh this might be more fun than my cream-soda filled heart can take.**_

_**KG: All for humor and nothing else. Also graciously given the blessing of PhoenixDiamond.**_

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Dear Fans of Fanfiction

Ya know, as I think about it I have to come to the conclusion that you are all disturbed, asshole writers who like nothing more than to make my life a living hell.

It's not even about the fact that so many of you actually seem to want to pair me up with the famous Duck-butt of Konoha, but you also seem to want to pair me with any other guy that suits your fancy.

Ha HA HA! It's so damn funny isn't it? Funny how I'm always forced on my knees to 'beg for it like I know you can, Naru-uke-chan' by Sasuke, Kakashi, Iruka-sensei, Konohamaru, and even Jiji!

What is wrong with you sick, demented people?!

If you people are going to screw with my damn life then can I at least be a damn man about and be attracted to the appropriate gender?! Oh my mistake, I think I was asking for too damn much.

Sorry for wasting your time, DATTEBAYO!

Signed Naruto Uzumaki

P.S. If anyone, and I mean anyone, dares write about me and the Tsuchikage then I will fuckin' shove this Rasengan where the sun don't shine. GOT IT!

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_**KG: Trust me, that NarutoxTsuchikage thing is real dammit. Don't you dare ask me how I know either, but it's REAL and it's fuckin' scary!**_


	2. Signed Sasuke Uchiha

_**KG: Time to keep the ball rolling. Seems there are just some weird ass pairings out there that must be burned completely. Ugh, but what can we do? This is a place of imagination. Oh look, I'm imagining a giant bottle of cream soda right next to me here!**_

_**KG: For humor and nothing else.**_

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Dear Fans of Fanfiction

Seriously, how many of you have lives? This is a legitimate question because from what I've seen you have none since you people see it fit at every turn to completely destroy mine? Quite frankly, you're all dumbasses who need to find some other outlet for your fantasies.

Now then since it seems that so many of you lack that thing called a Brain, then I will let you all in on a trademark secret of mine. I thought it was well-known knowledge, but apparently you're all just that stupid.

I. AM. A. FUCKIN. GUY!

There is no Kasumi Uchiha, Kagome Uchiha, Izami Uchiha, or Mikata Uchiha. AND that goes double, no triple for SATSUKI UCHIHA! Who the hell is that?

I don't know in what universe you live where up is down, left is right, or male is female, but I ask, no demand that if you insist on writing your stupid articles about me then you write about ALL of me. Nothing taken off or added.

I don't have gorgeous, luscious onyx eyes, or beautiful long, flowing charcoal-colored hair. I don't have size A-Z or whatever the hell breasts and I sure as hell don't have a hidden infatuation with my own blonde teammate!

God, it's not bad enough you have to destroy my reputation by making me kiss the idiot over and over again, but now you have to switch my gender around for it too? Sheesh, why don't you just add us having a fuckton of kids and a house? Oh, wait. YOU ALREADY DID THAT!

The first kiss time was a damn accident! It meant nothing or did the both of us gagging not get seen by you?

I am all Uchiha. Even with the thing dangling in my legs. Get over yourself you asses. Either write that or don't write at all.

Signed Sasuke Uchiha

P.S. And don't think I don't who you people are that think I'm weak enough to be forced into whatever breeding program this village seems to have, but I'm not and they don't have that period, you sick freaks.

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_**KG: Guilty as charged for me Ha! But Sasuke, you make such a nicely drawn or written woman. Oh god, I think I need to spend some more time with my fiancee. Ugh.**_


	3. Signed The Council of Konoha

_**KG: Ahem, anyway it's time for some news. Lots of people have been asking for Contract of the Shinigami and they shall get it. I swear it on my life as a fanfiction author. Actually I'm working it now. A diamond in the rough for this chapter of course. Don't worry about that so much.**_

_**KG: Anyway let's pick up the ball and kick it in the air.**_

_**KG: All humor and nothing else.**_

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Dear Fans of Fanfiction

Why? Why?! Why are we always evil?! Did we do something to your pathetic lives in another life or something? We don't believe that we've done anything to take your hatred and write about us the way you assholes do.

Contrary to what you assholes believe about us, we DO NOT harbor a hatred for Naruto Uzumaki, we do not see it fit to form mob attacks on him, persuade Hokage-sama to 'kill the demon' every chance we get, or try to steal his clan possessions or whatever the hell you imagine. We sure as hell don't comprise ourselves of a civilian council you idiots. There is only Hokage-sama, Koharu-sama, and Homura-sama. That's what is known to the best of our fuckin' knowledge, got it?

Oh also, we would like to know which one of you sick fucks started that whole ordeal of us bending over backwards with our asses in the air to Uchiha Sasuke. We never gave a damn that he was the 'Last Uchiha' or the 'Hope of Konoha for reviving the greatest dojutsu known to grace our eyes.' You people really need to get your damn acts together.

We do not call Uzumaki Naruto, the 'Demon', 'Fox brat', or 'Hellspawn'. That's all you guys there.

We do not call Uchiha Sasuke, 'Sasuke-sama', 'Uchiha-sama', or whatever the hell you think we would call him. That's you guys again.

We also don't want our daughters. . .or sons 'shagging that glorious Uchiha dick' just so hundreds of brats can run around with that dojutsu. The Fuck is wrong with you? You even drop so low that you insult our kids? Seriously, did we do something to you in another life? If we did then we're sorry, but here you need to fuckin' grow up dammit.

No, we'll admit to ignoring him and we shouldn't have done that. If that's all you want then we'll kindly bow and say WE'RE SORRY! There. Happy now? Good now get the fuck on with your lives and stop trying to fuck with ours.

Signed The Council of Konoha

P.S. Also we DO NOT have some stupid breeding program to force whoever to fuck whoever just for the sake of reviving a bloodline. Oh, but let us guess you would want us to have something like that right? You sick, dumb, demented bastards. It's just to use as an excuse to kill us over and over again, isn't it? It gets old. . .idiots.

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_**KG: Guilty from me as well. Done it all the time. Just seems like a good reason or whatever, but yeah it kinda..gets old doesn't it?**_


	4. Signed Kurenai Yuhi

_**KG: Ummm let me think, nah forget it. It doesn't truly concern you all that much. Still working on it, but it'll be out hopefully by next week or so. Well whatever, now that the ball is in the air, let's keep it going and pass it on!**_

_**KG: All for humor and nothing else.**_

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Dear Fans of Fanfiction

I do not appreciate any of you in the slightest. You are all the lowest, most ignorant members of society that I have ever seen and quite frankly, I'm sick of being written by you, but I suppose I have no choice, but to accept it don't I?

Now look here you jerks, where the hell has there ever been a scene of me caring that Kakashi read his Icha-Icha? Do I look like I give a damn what he reads? It's just a book people, get the fuck over yourselves.

I don't have some hidden infatuation with Kakashi or seek to replay scenes in that book with him whatsoever. In case most of you forgot, I have a child with Asuma Sarutobi. Nobody else.

Also, would you people please to writing me as some kind of man-hater! I do not hate men nor do they leer at me like I'm some piece of meat. . .to my knowledge. I NEVER formed 'The Society for Anti-pervertism in Konoha' for any reason or anything else.

I enjoy sex as much as the next person, but it being with the random people that you see it fit to pair me with is sad and pathetic. If you have this time then go out and get a lover of your own. I don't really care, but stop destroying my reputation with your lies. Thank you for your time. Assholes.

Signed Kurenai Yuhi

P.S. I DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH ANKO! NOR AM I CALLED 'THE ICE QUEEN OF KONOHA'! Who came up with that stupid shit anyway?

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_**KG: Hehe, yeah that was me as well. Not that 'sex with Anko' thing, but that Ice Queen was totally done by me. Sorry Kurenai, but you just have the look of untouchability that makes you so good to write about. Hehehe.**_


	5. Signed Nibi

_**KG: Greeting everyone. Time to have some fun and know how to let loose and be free. Now is the time that KyuubiGoku just like to lean back, relax and watch the stars. Zzzzzzzzz**_

_**Sigina: Someone pass the ball please! Umm actually, now just let me stay here and rape my boyfriend's body. Hehehe. Here I come KG-kun.**_

_**KG: For humor and nothing else.**_

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Dear Fans of Fanfiction

OH YES! YES! YES! Please, everyone fuck me! Fuck my horny, horny, horny sex-crazed pussy into the ground. I don't care who it is, but I need a dick right now! I don't care about my pride or my sanity just so long as someone fucks me till I'm a stuttering mess on the ground. OH FUCK YES! FUCK ME!

. . .Really? Is that how you all see me? You all can go and shove Kyuubi's tails up your own assholes you jerks. I am a proud bijuu and I wish to be treated as such. You are all just a much of useless, insignificant wastes of space if this is the best my character is. Which one of you fucks started this so I can rip your dick or breasts off and shove them down your throat then burn your fuckin' corpse?

I thought Kyuubi was exaggerating when he said you were all the lowest pieces of shit to ever crawl out of the realms of hell, but I see he was indeed right. You're all actually worse than that.

Contrary to what so many of you want or wish, I AM NOT A SEX-CRAZED SEX MANIAC. I am Matatabi, the Nibi no Nekomatta, and I will be fuckin' treated as such. I don't want to shag you stupid humans and I don't like to go "human" form and pleasure myself in my spare time. I have fuckin' smart opinions just as good as Kyuubi's.

I am a monster cat! Not a gorgeous woman with long, ocean-colored hair!

I do not like to be paired with Kyuubi and I will never be his wife. We were both created from the Sage of Six Paths, if you think about it, he's my brother. Is that what you sick fucks want? You really want a brother and sister shagging each other? Go fuck off!

I also don't have any personal feelings for Naruto Uzumaki. I think that he is a well to do young man and I do see him as the one the Old Man talked about and I believe that he will lead the world to peace, but you assholes are pushing the limits of my patience when I'm forced to go all euphoric-crazy and fuck him.

You didn't even have the respect to write us in a private setting. I WILL NOT FUCK ANYONE IN PUBLIC! GET OVER YOUR PATHETIC ASSES!

Signed Nibi.

P.S. I do not call Yugito 'kitten.' We said absolutely nothing to each other and I was fine with that. I also don't give her sexual advice or tell her to jump others left and right. Where the hell is my self-respect in that?!

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_**KG: Aww, but Nibi you fit the role so well. Can't even deny that I didn't do that. It just seems so natural doesn't it? Sorry Nibi, but there is no changing that one.**_


	6. Signed Hanabi Hyuuga

_**KG: Dammit Sigina, you and your libido! I'm gonna have back problems for weeks!**_

_**Sigina: Don't act like you didn't like it babe. Now then, who has the ball?**_

_**Ayane: I do and now it's time to reel back and kick the ball forward.**_

_**KG: All humor and nothing else.**_

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Dear Fans of Fanfiction

WHY AM I ALWAYS A BITCH?!...ummm…ahem, excuse me for my crass language. You all just infuriate me to no end that I couldn't help it. Ahem, okay then, why do I always act like a stuck-up, disrespectful, jerk with a pride that is equal or past Uchiha Sasuke?

You do you people always make me hate my sister? Sure we spared a lot, but I NEVER meant her any harm. I can be just as gentle and caring as her, but you assholes always seem to want me being such a dumb bitch who only listens to the will of her father. I do have fuckin' opinions of my own and just because I was raised in a noble household DOES NOT mean I have the fuckin' noble pride to match it!

Each and every single last one of you needs some damn perspective in your shitty lives.

Also I humbly demand that you people stop with the fuckin' Hyuugacest! It's not cute, it's not sexy, and it's not funny! I don't have avid sex dreams about my father, mother, Hinata-oneechan or Neji-niisan. Let me guess, you people have golf balls for brains if you think that shit's alright.

I DON'T LIKE KONOHAMARU! You people need to stop that mess right now. I'd like my love interest to be competent thank you.

I DO NOT LOVE NARUTO UZUMAKI! I think he's definitely a nice person from what I've seen, but that's it! I do not feel anything for him so get over it!

Signed Hanabi Hyuuga

P.S. Any of you fuckin' perverts who insist on writing scenes of me with Naruto as a lolicon need immediate help and I think a Jyuken strike to the brain should fix that. At least write me when I'm old enough you dumbasses. THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

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_**KG: That lolicon thing, yeah umm let's keep things in perspective people. Course won't lie that's kinda fun to read about every now and then. Won't lie to you on that.**_


	7. Signed Mebuki Haruno

_**KG: Oh great lightning, you popped the ball, way to go.**_

_**Lightning: I never wanted to be a part of this.**_

_**Sigina: What do we do now?**_

_**Ryu: I have another one.**_

_**KG: awesome, now then let's take the ball and play volleyball!**_

_**KG: All humor and nothing else.**_

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Dear Fans of Fanfiction

Oh I'm sorry I thought I was a human being, not an animal. I thought I had my self-respect, but apparently I was wrong. I'm just a DUMB, PINK-HAIRED HOWLER MONKEY COUNCIL MEMBER!

What did I ever do to any of you fucktards? When did I ever say that I was a council member?

When did I ever shout like a monkey for my supposed hatred of Naruto Uzumaki? I don't know what you people do with your brains, or lack thereof, but I'm sick and tired of you assholes writing me like I just a piece of shit to everyone I meet. I have some nice qualities as well.

I DO NOT HAVE PINK HAIR! I AM NOT NAMED SAKUNO, SAKUYA, or SAKUHA! My name is MEBUKI HARUNO! I have blonde hair dammit! I didn't know that you people were fuckin' color-blind as well. You might want to get yourselves checked for whatever disease your brain seems to have.

I DO NOT CONDONE SAKURA HITTING NARUTO! I do not hate Naruto Uzumaki! Stop writing that I do and that I wish for him to go die in a ditch somewhere. What is wrong with you guys? I didn't even do anything to any of you! I'm not even a council member. Stop writing me in this fuckin' positions. It gets boring assholes.

Let me guess you people suspect that because my daughter has a violent temper then that just means that she got that from me right? Oh yeah, sure whatever. Go fuck off somewhere.

Also would you people make up your minds! Either I'm going to hate Naruto or I'm going to love him. Both of which disturb me down to the very depths of my soul, but I suppose I have no choice, but to submit myself to the whims of you bastards. Especially since I'm MARRIED! I guess that counts for nothing to you people does it? Hmph fuckers.

Sakura's 'inner voice' is not a kekkai genkai and there is no Haruno Clan. Get it through your fucking cement-thick heads!

Signed Mebuki Haruno

P.S. I swear if you people don't stop that Harunocest, Sakura-Mebuki lesbian shit then I'll really show you all something much worse than you could ever imagine! MY FIST!

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_**KG: Yeah well Mebuki, the sins of the daughter are traced to the parent lol. Sorry, but it seems to work most of the time. No excuses HA! It might actually keep happening no matter what you say. But that NarutoxMebuki thing, now that's original.**_


	8. Signed Nanabi

_**KG: Okay, so KG wasn't able to update Contract of the Shinigami, but he swears by his story that he will. He promises okay? If it is not up by next week then KyuubiGoku will leave for shame of himself!**_

_**KG: Now then, who has the ball?**_

_**Everyone: NO ONE!**_

_**Cloud: You're all idiots. Here. **_

_**KG: Cloud just kicked the ball over the sand!**_

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Dear Fans of Fanfiction

Okay, I was willing to give you all the benefit of the doubt. I'm a reasonable person and I think that I have lots of patience, but now I see that was entirely a mistake on my part because you are all idiots of the highest order.

It was confirmed, wasn't it? It was ALREADY confirmed! So please tell me why.

How come I'm still being written as a woman?!

I don't have a human form! I don't have an hourglass figure. In fact none of you humans have an hourglass figure. Where do you come up with that dumb nonsense? I just don't understand it anymore!

I don't have 'green as the flowing plains of grass' hair falling all the way down to my luscious and plump ass that you all seem to want to give me. I don't have green sparkling eyes! I'm not even colored green! Okay fine, so my tails are, but that's not even my fault!

Oh, but also thank you. Thank you dolts for writing about me being in love with the person who actually made my life hell by selling me off. I hate that wood jutsu asshole with every fiber of my being. I don't want to share him with the redhead Uzumaki!

Also my container and I did not talk with each other. We said NOTHING! We were not friends and we certainly didn't talk about the guys we liked or didn't. I'm not gay you idiots! Write me right dammit or don't write me at all!

I don't want to have lesbian sex with Nibi or Kyuubi. Fuck that shit! Also fuck all of you! Oh, but let me guess you'd want me to do that wouldn't you?

Signed Nanabi

P.S. I believe in Naruto Uzumaki and his power to change the world. I DO NOT want the thing dangling between his legs inside me or anywhere near me. I'm a giant beetle! Where would that fit at all?!

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_**KG: Nanabi, it's like with Nibi. There is no changing this. I'm so guilty of this that I can't say I won't keep doing it. There should be at least two female bijuu instead of one and you fit the most for some reason. Yep, why ruin a good thing Nanabi?**_


	9. Signed Minato Namikaze

_**KG: Alright, I finally got a good one now. Took a little bit, but it seemed to finally work itself out. I guess we'll have our fun with it.**_

_**Hayate: I have the ball.**_

_**Kasumi: Great. Now then, time for volleyball, DOA-style!**_

_**KG: Here we go again.**_

_**KG: All humor and nothing else.**_

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Dear Fans of Fanfiction

Okay, I'm a sensible man. I would like to think that I'm fair and I'm even willing to admit my mistakes in the things that I have done, but you're all idiots!

What did I do to be evil? How am I supposed to hate my own son? You really think I'm going to be this tyrant of an asshole that runs Konoha while his son just takes the mess I give him. That doesn't fit me at all!

Oh really? You're all pathetic if you think I would use the Rasengan, an A-rank technique, on Naruto. Really? I actually shoved it up his bum and molested him all in the same day? Are you idiots weak in that upper story that you call your brain? Oh yeah, let me shove a spiraling, grinding ball that can grind the body into dust right into my own son for my own demented pleasure. Oh sure, the woman are just going to be all over me if I do that.

I would not be a mean father. I don't think I am a mean father and I sure won't change just cause you people can't accept that. I'm NEVER going to be evil. I'm NEVER going to molest my son! Get that straight!

Stop acting forcing me to act out your little abuse fantasies. It's not funny, it's not cute, and it's not cool at all.

Grow up. . .jerks.

Signed Minato Namikaze

P.S. I'm still deeply sorry to my son for pushing Kyuubi into him. You really think I would have wanted to put that life on him? I didn't! Oh and since you all seem to be so smart, then what the hell would you have done to defeat the Kyuubi? Oh wait, that's right. You don't have any chakra!

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_**KG: That just takes the whole 'I'll shove this Rasengan where the sun won't shine' to a whole new level. I still get nightmares about that particular story. (Shivers).**_


End file.
